i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
