Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
