Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
