You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
