So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
