I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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