I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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