this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
