did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
