my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
All I want is dick and wine.
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