I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Randomize
