i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
