Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
