So drunk its hurt
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
