I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
