His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
