Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
