I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
