is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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