She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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