Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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