I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
