I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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