Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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