Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
