she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Someone shattered a urinal.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
