woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
they need to just BURY HIM!
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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