I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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