Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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