you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
