did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
