I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
