my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
