and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
How naked do you want me to be?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
