I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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