The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
