I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
