Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
