my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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