Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
