He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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