if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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