u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
