Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
