Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
