i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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