So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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