forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So much rum. So many feels.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My dick has a subreddit
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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