he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
