i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
