I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
