Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
