we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
