i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
