Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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